— Lorence Gutterman
I knock, enter the room, and introduce myself. Carter rolls over to look at me, a grimace on his face. I step back as the musty air of his room reaches me, reminding me of my high school gym locker room. I brace myself and ask him why he became a rodeo rider.
“My uncle and older brother rode. I wanted to be like ’em. Doc, you want to try it?” He laughs through his obvious misery as he pushes himself into a sitting position, his reedy legs now dangling beneath the flimsy, gray-checkered hospital gown.
“I’m too chicken to sit on a bucking horse,” I say and place my chair a safe distance from him. Not so far away to be rude, but I need some space.
“Man, what are ya’ afraid of? Thought Docs could do everythin’.” His grin changes to a frown as he crosses his legs.
“Believe it or not, doctors get scared.” What would my colleagues think of me, admitting vulnerability?
Carter shuts his eyes and rubs them. He clenches his jaw. “Can you give me something for pain? I hurt like hell.”
“Of course. I’ll talk with your nurse.” I quickly leave the room to find his nurse who is counting tablets and putting them into a tiny paper cup. I ask her to increase Carter’s dose of morphine. I reenter Carter’s room. The odors have not changed. I return to my chair, the cracked vinyl squeaks.
“Hey Doc, ya gonna get me feelin’ better?” He has returned to lying down.
“I’ll try. Can’t promise you though. Could you control the bronco the first time you sat on it?”
He tries to prop himself up on his right elbow. “Doc, ya never can control that animal.”
“Kind of like your fever, until I know more about you,” I say fidgeting with his chart.
“Those shakes last night, damn! Bounced me around more than any bronc.”
“Fever caused your shakes.” I stare at the plastic bag filled with clear liquid hanging on a metal pole on the corner of his bed. Its slow drip is hypnotizing, calming. I decide to get to know him before I start quizzing him about risks for AIDS. Taking a sexual history has never been a comfortable task for me.
(Excerpted from Hanging on for Your Life and used with the permission of the author, published in The Country Doctor Revisited, KSU, 2010)
In this selection the author appears repulsed by this patient. It may be the patient’s profession, it may be the smells of illness, it may be the patient’s personality. We are human, we all have reactions to patients. My toughest patients are those who are morbidly obese and come in with complaints related to their excess weight. Obese patients are hard to examine. My feelings are real, I can’t get rid of them. The important thing to remember is that I cannot act on my feelings. I need to recognize them, then set them aside and figure out how to meet the patient where he or she is. Likely the obese patient is embarrased about their weight and has been the recipeint of cruel comments. I try to find some empathy for that patient. Partnering with a patient demands figuring out what if feels like to walk in their shoes–that saying may be cliche, but its a good place to start. Empathy can help me put my repulsion aside. This is part of professionalism. We may have unsavory feelings, but we don’t act on them.
Sometimes to let off steam, we may joke with colleagues and co-workers about a patient or the situation. Be careful about this. You never want to do that in a location where the patient or his/her family/friends might over hear you. Humor helps us to cope, but eventually you need to set it aside and return to a position of empathy.
The author also talks about being scared. Feelings of fear are human too. Sometimes we are afraid and we need to ask for help. However, sometimes we need to set our fear aside and do what needs to be done.
As you spend time in clinic and the hospital you will see health professionals who are empathetic and kind to some of the most difficult and repulsive patients. Watch them, ask them how they do it.